Monthly Archives: May 2004

Snow White — Superhero or Menace?

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So today an e-mail was sent around our office by the receptionist, it said “Snow White lost her headband in the parking lot. It's on my desk.”  Obviously someone brought their daughter to work and the girl took off her Snow White ™ headband and forgot to pick it up again.  I understand some merchandising, but a headband?  What like Snow White is some kind of athlete, or rock star, or superhero that she has to wear a sweatband on her head?  But that got me thinking, what if she was?  With a devious grin, I began composing an e-mail…

Fade from black to small cottage in woodland setting. Dub birds singing, leaves rustling in the breeze, and the sound of feet trudging through the underbrush. Cut to four sinister looking ruffians sneaking up on the cottage. Swell dramatic music. Cut to inside cottage, front door is center frame. Door bursts open and the ruffians charge in.

RUFFIAN #1: You're coming with us, honey.

Cut to Snow White, she is facing away from the camera, dressed in black leather catsuit and pink headband, cooking lunch for the dwarves (who are off at the mine) in a skillet over the wood stove. Cut to view over her shoulder of Ruffian #1 stepping up behind her, and laying a hand on her shoulder. Snow White whirls and throws the hot greasy pancakes in the bandit's face where they stick with a sizzling sound.

RUFFIAN #1: AAAAARRRGH! [claws at pancakes] GET THEM OFF!! GET THEM OFF!!

Ruffian #3 charges with a club, and Snow White dodges his swing and counterattacks with a roundhouse kick to the gut as Ruffian #2 draws his bow. Snow White belts Ruffian #3 with the skillet and he drops. As Ruffian #2 fires, she runs up the wall, across the ceiling toward him, and flips over him. Freeze action, camera pans and rotates 180 degrees left. Snow White lands and delivers a back kick to the back of Ruffian #2's skull as Ruffian #4 charges. As Ruffian #2 drops, Snow White takes his bow, swings it, and delivers a crushing blow to Ruffian #4's face and he also drops. She turns and throws the skillet at Ruffian #3 who is still screaming and running about with pancakes on his face, the pan connects with his head and knocks him to the floor.

Snow White strolls over to him, crouches, peels one of the pancakes off of him, stands, and takes a bite of it.

SNOW WHITE: [chewing] Damn, they would have been delicious.

Cut to evil Queen's chambers. The evil queen stands before the magic mirror.

EVIL QUEEN: I sent four bandits, they're bringing her back now.

MIRROR: [Hugo Weaving's face appears] No Mistress, your men are already dead.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [voiceover] An excerpt of the highly dramatized biography of Snow White directed and produced by the brothers Wachowski and starring of course, Snow White herself. Tonight on “Nobody's Watching” we look at Snow White–pop star, athlete, modern day superhero–and the controversy that surrounds her.

Cut to dressing room, Danny DeVito is sitting on a stool having makeup applied. He is dressed in a simple robe much like a friar would wear.

SUBTITLE: Danny DeVito, “Grumpy”

DEVITO: Actually the catsuit was her idea. A lot of people have been saying that the Wachowski's are exploiting her by costuming her that way, but they wanted her to wear her traditional blue and white dress.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [off-camera] Do you think Ms. White wishes to appear immodest?

DEVITO: No I wouldn't put it that way. Do you think a dress is a more appropriate outfit for running across the ceiling? Talk about revealing!

Cut to dressing room, Keanu Reeves costumed as a prince, but with his collar undone and his jacket ubuttoned.

SUBTITLE: Keanu Reeves, “Prince Charming”

REEVES: I read the screenplay and I was like whoa!

BBC ANNOUNCER: [off-camera] And you are unperturbed by the changes the Wachowskis made to the storyline?

REEVES: No, it's cool. Snow approved the script.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [off-camera] You are aware that Prince Charming awoke Ms. White with a mere kiss.

REEVES: Man, don't get on my case about the love scene… it was tastefully done.

Cut to a Snow White concert. Snow White dances provocatively on stage with a troupe of scantily clad young men and women. She is dressed in a white boostier, white hotpants, and a pink headband. Camera pans over the crowd of cheering youngsters.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [voiceover] Despite protestations by her friends, many insist that Snow White is presenting an unwholesome image to our youth.

Cut to crowd of protesters outside concert hall, some hold placards which read SNOW WHITE — ROLE MODEL?, TAKE ANOTHER BITE OF THE APPLE, and DIRTY SNOW. A newsreporter is holding a microphone up to one of the protesters who's breath is visible in the cold night air.

PROTESTOR: She has no respect for common decency! First she's flop-housing with 7 deformed men and no sooner has Prince Charming rescued her than she dumps him and is dancing onstage in her underwear. We need to make it clear that we do not want this sort of image publicized as appropriate for our children. We're here and we're going to stay here as long as it takes …

Cut to office. A smooth looking analyst seated in front of a wall with awards, records, and concert posters behind him.

SUBTITLE: Dick Smarmy, Western Marketing Manager, Columbia Ltd.

ANALYST: You have to understand that wholesome sells to an increasingly narrow market. Snow is a wonderful, decent person. She also happens to be a savvy businesswoman and she has no problem separating her onstage persona from her real personality. Some people really need to turn their attentions to more pressing issues.

Cut to a regal study with a large fireplace. A handsome prince sits by the fire with a snifter of brandy in his hand.

SUBTITLE: Prince Charming

BBC ANNOUNCER: [voiceover] Many charge however that her recent separation from Prince Charming hardly seems in keeping with her supposedly traditional values.

PRINCE CHARMING: My attorneys have informed me that the “Happily Ever After” clause doesn't necessarily mean “together”. But if she came back of course I would like that. I'm utterly devoted to her.

Cut to gym. A dwarf in boxing gloves and shorts, is sitting on a chair. In the background to the left is the edge of a boxing ring. A punching bag hangs near the far wall on the right.

SUBTITLE: Sneezy

SNEEZY: There's more to that story, trust me. Let's just say Prince Charming spent a little too much time in the enchanted forest chasing Fairy Tail. *achoo*

BBC ANNOUNCER: [off-camera] Bless you.

SNEEZY: Thanks. [in the background a dwarf climbs over the ropes and enters the ring] Anyway, Justin Timberlake is just a *friend*, and has nothing to do with the separation.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [off-camera] So, tell us about the headband.

SNEEZY: *achoo* Well, she's always worn that, even back in the blue-and-white-dress days. It's kind of her thing. It's become a trademark for her, especially since she joined the WWF.

There is a scream in the background as the dwarf who previously entered the ring is thrown from it, slamming into the punching bag. Sneezy turns to look.

SNOW WHITE: [off-camera] Next!

SNEEZY: *chuckles* [turns back to camera] *achoo* Poor Dopey, he used to be a genius before he started training with Snow. I guess he's taken one too many knocks on the head.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [off-camera, dubiously] Dopey… a genius?

SNEEZY: He has phd's in physics and electrical engineering.

In the background two other dwarves run to help the fallen dwarf as yet another dwarf enters the ring.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [off-camera] Do you think Ms. White is too brutal?

SNEEZY: If this is about the match versus Rapunzel, what happened that night is entirely the fault of her trainer and Rapunzel herself. Snow's not going to ignore your weaknesses in a fight.

Intercut with shot of Snow White in wrestling ring, swinging Rapunzel around by her hair and throwing her into the crowd of onlookers.

SNEEZY: [voice-over] Rapunzel should never have let her hair down.

Cut to punching bag, three dwarves hold the bag in place as Snow White attacks it with a flurry of blows and kicks. Hanging on the wall behind the bag is a newspaper headline “SNOW WHITE — SUPERHERO OR MENACE?“.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [voiceover] Perhaps most controversial is Ms. White's brand of vigilante justice that she unleashes on criminals caught in the act.

Cut to prison cell. An anthropomorphized wolf stands there in orange prison fatigues. Some of his teeth are missing and his right eye is swollen shut.

SUBTITLE: Big Bad Wolf

BIG BAD WOLF: … so then she whips off the red cloak and beats the crap out of me! I just wanted to see what was in the basket!

PRISONER: [off-camera] Yo Big Bad, what up dog?

BIG BAD WOLF: *sigh* [shakes head] Man, I hate that.

Cut back to Sneezy.

SNEEZY: *achoo* I can't say whether or not it's “vigilante” but it's definitely justice. Try asking someone who *isn't* a scumbag.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [off-camera] Well I'm asking *you* now.

SNEEZY: [pause] Yeah, what's your point?

In the background there is a loud thwack and a dwarf staggers backward and cartwheels over the ropes out of the boxing ring… two bandaged dwarves run to help him.

SNOW WHITE: [off camera] Come on guys, get on the ball!

SNEEZY: *achoo* Listen man, people make rumours. They always do. I mean they said *I* was a coke fiend for the longest time. *achoo* Go figure. But Snow White is part of our culture, everybody loves Snow White.

SNOW WHITE: [off-camera] Sneezy! You're up!

SNEEZY: [frightened look] *gulp* Later man. [he gets up]

Cut to several shots of Snow White dresses on mannequins, Snow White headbands, Snow White boxing gloves, Snow White videos, books, action figures, and so forth.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [voiceover] With an estimated net worth of 1.3 billion pounds and a marketing firm dealing in over eight thousand different types of Snow White merchandise, it's hard to argue that Snow White is not a part of our culture. Her story fascinated many, offended others, but either way it has created a demand. Many admire her amazing fighting skill.

Cut to shot of 12 year old girl practicing with nunchaku in her bedroom wearing a pink headband. There is a poster of Snow White on the wall fist-fighting the Evil Queen. Cut to shot of a wizened martial arts instructor demonstrating moves, wearing black ninja-esque clothing and a pink headband. Pull back to reveal all the students also wearing pink headbands. Cut to unit of marines jogging past the camera in formation at a training academy, they are all wearing pink headbands.

SARGENT: Don't take no apple from no bad witch!

TROOPS: Don't take no apple from no bad witch!

SARGENT: Boot to the skull and drop that bitch!

TROOPS: Boot to the skull and drop that bitch!

SARGENT: Sound off!

TROOPS: One Two

SARGENT: Sound off!

TROOPS: Three Four

SARGENT: Mirror mirror on the wall! …

Cut to shot of Snow White sitting at a table by a swimming pool in a white bikini (and pink headband) sipping a margarita and laughing with Cinderella and Tyra Banks.

BBC ANNOUNCER: [voiceover] Whatever the allure, it is clear that, at least for now, Snow White is with us to stay. From Nobody's Watching, this is Cyrus Fooling wishing you “goodnight”.

roll credits

The Wonder of CSS — Unbecoming Levity Goes Printer-Cuddly

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That subset of Unbecoming Levity readers who bitched and complained noted that articles don't print very well will be happy to know that U-Lev should no longer abuse their printers. 

CSS is cool.  Today I learned that you can specify media-specific CSS links so that your page can look one way on a monitor, but another way in print, or on a handheld device.  My thanks to the administrators and other members of BlogHarbor for pointing out this information.

Basically I just made a copy of the standard U-Lev stylesheet and then edited it until I liked what I saw.  Then I saved it under another name (printer_friendly.css) and added this link to my <HEAD> tag:

<LINK rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="printer_friendly.css" media="print">

That “media” attribute is what specifies that this stylesheet should only be used for certain media, in this case printed output.

Modifying the stylesheet was very easy.  To hide classes you don't want to see, you simply add the style “display: none” to the class, and the anything of that class will be omitted.  Piece of cake.  The only other things to change were to drop some borders, padding, and margins, change some subtly different colors to simple black and white, and set a fixed width to the content which should make it wrap properly for most printers (I chose 6.5 inches, which was recommended.)

If your browser recognizes and handles media-specific stylesheets, this should allow you to print U-Lev articles without the sidebars, comments form, and excess margins.  If your browser has a “Print Preview” function, you can get an idea of how articles will look when printed.  If your browser doesn't offer print preview, I've included a (reduced size) screenshot at right.

Sorry for beating up your printer!

Bibliography:

Word of the Day — Pantsed

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I've heard the expression before, but always applied to inanimate objects and used to mean the same thing as “pooched”, “wasted”, or my old favorite, “chootched”.  Actually the word “pantsed” was first coined in the 1980's and refers to one being humiliated by having one's pants pulled down by a third party in public…

I am grateful to say, this is one thing that the kids who picked on me mercilessly in school never tried.  I think they would have thought it “too gay” or something.

But it's a pretty funny word, pants, and has been used to mean various things.  Apparently in Australia, it can mean “luck”.  If someone manages to pull off something improbable by sheer luck, it is appropriate to say “Pants!”

It can also mean crappy or lousy as in “I just checked out that House of the Dead movie, ugh, that flick was pants.”

Also it can mean nonproductive activity… as in “just pantsing around”.

“Baggy-pantsing” is a hacker term.  When one hacker exposes another for leaving his computer insecure, the exposed hacker has been “baggy-pantsed”.

In researching the various uses of the words pants and pantsed, the weirdest thing I found was this guy's site on zutroy.com.  Apparently he has a fetish for Star Wars and pants…

…Vader: “I am altering the pants. Pray I don't alter them further!”

Vader: “I find your lack of pants disturbing.”

Luke: “What's in there?”
Yoda: “Only that which you take with you. Your pants – you will not need them.”

vader: “Pants do not concern me, Admiral.”

Leia: “You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.”

Han: “The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.”

Admiral: “These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use them.”

Lando: “Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!”

Vader: “General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface attack.”

Officer: “TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?”

Vader: “You are unwise to lower your pants.”

Vader: “She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.”

Lando: “That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!” …

Weird. Funny, but weird. 

Sources used for this article:

HALO: Combat Evolved — Review

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An ingeniously and deliciously rich first-person-shooter, HALO, first released on the XBOX by Bungie in 2001, is a winner.  Yes, it is 2004 now and I'm reviewing a game that is 3 years old, but I've never really had a chance to write down why I love HALO so much…


Two “Pelican” drop-ships carry marines into a hot zone on the ring world Halo.

You are a cyborg, an advanced elite combat unit, known only as “Master Chief”.  You fight for Earth and humanity against a vicious alien enemy called “The Covenant”.  The game is exciting, engrossing, entertaining, amusing, and challenging.

The environments are incredibly rich, seemingly no detail is overlooked, down to almost imperceptible sounds that add to the realism, such as faint bird calls, the sound of your footsteps as you trudge over different types of surfaces, or the rattle and clink of shell casings hitting the ground as you discharge your weapon.  The graphics are excellent and crisp.

A number of marines join you on your missions, each one having unique appearance, name, voice, and speech mannerisms.  It's probably that last part that really gets me going when I play.  The combination of the rich realistic audio and video environment, combined with the random chaos of combat and the chatter of the soldiers in my unit makes the game great fun.  Some of the things they say are scripted to happen at certain moments, while most of their speech is random and determined intelligently by what is happening to them at the time.

Here's what a typical minute of HALO might sound like:

“We're in… no covenant forces detected.”
“What?  There's no covenant here?  Think maybe nobody's home.”
*sound of door opening followed by alien roar*
ERRRA?  ARRRRRGH!!!
“I've got contacts!  Lots of contacts!”
*more doors opening*
*hail of gunfire and plasma fire*
“No covenant!  You had to open your mouth!”
“AAH!  I'M HIT!!!”
“Get out of the way man!”
“How you doin' amigos!” *gunfire and alien screams*
“Don't like that, do ya?” *explosion*
“Aaaaaaagh!” *sound of marine collapsing*
“NO!”
“YOU ARE ALL GONNA DIE!”
(alien voice) “Heads up!” *sound of alien grenade landing and hissing*
“Run!” *explosion*
“FRAG 'EM!” *explosion and alien screams*
“I didn't know these things could fly! Hah hah!”
*rare moment of silence*
“See?  They weren't so tough.  By god I think some of them were wearing skirts.”
“Don't worry.  There'll be more.”
*door opening*
“Over there!” *alien roar, followed by the sound of a plasma sword catching someone in the gut*
“AIYEEEEE!” *gunfire* *plasma fire*
“OH CRAP!” *gunfire* *plasma fire*
“Dammit! I had a shot man!” *plasma fire*
“Who's idea was this anyway?” *gunfire followed by elite alien death wail*
(alien voice) “They got elite!  RUN!!!” *pistol shot followed by alien choking and dropping*
“You're almost a man!”
“Rot in hell!” *gunfire, alien screams, followed by silence*
“Does anybody see 'em?”
“I got nothing.”
“Well this one's dead.”

As enjoyable as the marine banter is, the stars of the show for comic relief are the grunts–the smallest footsoldiers in the covenant forces.  Grunts stand about half as tall as marines, and large numbers of them can be particularly dangerous.  They are however extremely cowardly and they are the only aliens that speak english, though they do so in high pitched chipmunk-esque voices.  Often they say things so jarringly juxtaposed to the seriousness of the game that you have to hit pause so you can take a moment to laugh.

According to Bungie the game contains over 5,000 snippets of recorded dialog.  This would explain why, after almost 2 years of playing the game regularly, I *still* hear grunts and marines saying things that I have never heard before.

In HALO you fight first the covenant and then a much more sinister enemy on a ring-world reminiscent of Larry Niven's.  Along the way you'll become familiar with a variety of different vehicles, weapons, and tactics.  You'll fight in desert, grassland, snow storms, swamps.  You'll fight ground battles and arial battles in alien flying vehicles.

Finished the game?  No problem, you can play it again, by yourself or cooperatively with a second player helping you.  You can play combat against other players either on the same xbox, or on networked xboxes.  [EDIT: unfortunately, HALO does not support xbox live, but HALO 2 will!]  You can play combat free for all, or capture the flag, or other sorts of games.

In my opinion, HALO alone makes the price of an xbox worth it.  So let me boil down this review for you if you've never tried HALO before and still aren't sure if you want to try it out:

HALO. Best game. Ever.


Master Chief charges the all-terrain Warthog vehicle into a Covenant unit as Sargent Stacker mans the big gun.

HALO 2

Like most HALO enthusiasts, my eyes are fixed on the upcoming and much-heralded HALO 2.  It's been in the works for years and has been delayed multiple times as the engineers tweak the game to get it as perfect as possible for release.  Currently the release date is November 2004… I doubt they'll push it past Christmas unless they find a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

Want to see some HALO 2 action?  Try this huge 158 Mb movie shown at E3 in 2003.  Some lucky stiffs got to try out HALO 2 at E3 this year, and based on their comments, Bungie's not going to let us down…

…The fanfest was incredible as always. Basically, Bungie brings a group of dedicated fans (around 100 lucky individuals in this case) back on to the E3 floor after hours to talk about the games and show off the latest developments.

The event itself is a testament to the company's commitment to its fans. The entire showroom floor is dark and all the other game developers are out enjoying parties or industry events. But the Bungie booth is still alive and rocking, with the world's coolest LAN party going on. This year, everyone got a chance to play Halo2 and it was incredible. I remember when they showed Halo at E3 2001 … Halo 2 seems more complete to me than Halo did back then — and they have the same amount of time left before the release date. Based on what I saw, I think they could put this game on the shelves tomorrow…

Abu Ghraib, Iraq, Rumsfeld, and Bush — A Rant

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A little brat in my daughter's first grade classroom called her a “dweeb” yesterday.  She was largely unperturbed by it.  I think it bothered me a lot more than it bothered her, probably because 30 years ago, it was me the kids loved to pick on.  I was the outcast.  I'll never understand people who are so twisted that the only way they know how to feel good is to hurt someone else…

Which of course, reminds me of the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal.  You've probably all heard of it and seen the pictures by now.  I've avoided ranting about it before now because it is so depressing and the whole situation in Iraq makes me furious.  What a sad state of affairs.  Tell me, what part of the Iraqi's fears that we would simply be taking over where Saddam left off are assuaged by this debacle?

Bush's five-point plan (apart from the bit about tearing down the prison) was basically a rehash of the same moronic crap he's been spouting all along.  Big deal.

The Iraqis aren't stupid you know.  They see us shutting down Iraqi newspapers and not allowing Iraqi television to carry any negative stories about coalition activities, and they begin to draw conclusions about what democracy is.  Obviously there are two kinds of democracy, the kind Americans enjoy, and the kind they impose on other people.

Iraq is a big mess.  Why is it a big mess?  Because the postwar plan was stupidly optimistic to nonexistant.  Bush and his band of fatcat scumbags have made great strides in fomenting more terrorism than before and strengthening al Qaida by going after Saddam when they should have been focusing on Osama and his bunch.

The whole Abu Ghraib thing is just another nail in the coffin of America's reputation.  That Bush would choose not to ask Rumsfeld to resign is ridiculous, but predictable for an administration and President completely unable to admit a single specific mistake.

Yes it's easy to see why Bush is so popular.  Wait, did I say “popular”?

So now Bush says the prison will be destroyed.  That's probably a good plan–stick to what you know.

Peace…

“It's Not the Thunder You Should Fear…”

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“…it's the lightning.”  Those were the words I said to my kid last night during a nasty storm.  I said those words because my Dad always said them to me when I was a kid.  There is great truth in them for me… made greater this morning when I read the blog article of Jay McCarthy, a young man who lost his home this past weekend when it was struck by lightning…

…Having your house burn in front of you is a very strange experience. It has only been a few hours and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I certainly do not approve of it, but my level of disappointment as not yet been ascertained…

…It is now 5:25 PM and I am sitting in my cousin's room at my aunt's house. The whole top two floors of my house are gone. The rest of the house is flooded and damaged by smoke. I went into my room to sift around a bit and managed to take out my passport and my other computer from about a foot of debris–ash and soot.

After some wandering around, Amanda came over and we went to the mall so I could get new clothes. It is very strange, because right now I could hold everything I own on my person…

In some ways I can relate to him, having seen a place where I spent a lot of time burn to the ground… but never my home.  For what it's worth, I offer my sympathies, Jay.

I had a friend in highschool who lived in a trailer home in Abington, MA with her family on a back lot behind her grandparents house. One night during an incredibly violent storm they got spooked and decided to walk to the grandparents' house, a distance of about 120 feet if I remember, leaving behind only the family dog. No sooner had they covered half that distance when they heard a tremendous crash of thunder simultaneous with a flash of lightning, and turned to see the trailer home consumed in a huge ball of fire.   When I knew her they were living in a ranch style house built on the very same spot, perhaps believing that lightning never strikes the same spot twice?

Not so, apparently.  I have a coworker whose home sits on some sort of underground ridge of stone which is apparently highly conductive, and his house has been hit by lightning on more than one occasion, the last time he told me about it, the lightning had blown apart the top of the chimney.  If I recall correctly, he installed a lightning rod to avoid further damage.

When I was younger I remember my sister reading a news story about a local coach who had died on the practice field after being hit by lightning… apparently he was resting his foot on a sprinkler head and had just called an early end to practice because the weather was getting nasty.

Yep, lightning is pretty scary stuff. It still gives me the willies.  In an effort to keep things lighthearted though, I'll close with an old joke about lightning I heard when I was in highschool:

The preacher and the CEO are out playing golf.  The businessman is having a bad day and is missing all of his shots.  “God dammit… missed again!” he says after one particularly egregious error.

“I'm going to have to ask you to stop taking the Lord's name in vain.” the Cleric admonishes.

“Sorry reverend.”, the exec says, and they move on to the next hole.

Sure enough the CEO screws up the shot.  “Jesus Christ!  Missed AGAIN!”

“Please do NOT abuse the name of the almight in that manner!” the priest says, getting angry.

“My bad, Father.” is the halfhearted response.

At the next hole, the businessman once again messes up and sends his ball to the bottom of a nearby water hazard.  In response he lets out a bejesused and begodded stream of expletives that would make a sailor blush, followed by the same complaint… “MISSED AGAIN!!!”

“That's it!” says the reverend, tossing his club down, “I've had it with your blasphemy… you were warned!”  He turns to the heavens and outstretches his arms, saying “O heavenly Father, I beseech you, strike down this blasphemer and put an end to his disrespectful ways!”

The sky darkens as tremendous black stormclouds boil up out of nowhere… the businessman cowers in terror.  A searing hot bolt of lightning streaks out of the clouds, strikes the priest, and instantly burns him to a crisp, leaving the CEO completely baffled and needing a new pair of boxers.

Then the clouds part slightly and a booming, sepulchural voice echoes down from the sky…

“DAMN.  MISSED AGAIN.”

Thunder

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I arrived home tonite at about 9:30 PM.  (My job is particularly trying lately.)  Patty and 'Neya were in the master bedroom watching the new Peter Pan movie which was just ending.  The dogs were also in the room, in new beds of their own.  You see, my dogs are terrified of thunder…

Well, maybe not both of them.  Cassie doesn't like thunder but she deals with it fairly well.  Tumblin' Tina, throughout her life has been scared silly by thunder.  Scared to the point where she cannot be left alone in her crate (the euphemistic term dog-owners use to describe a cage) during a storm.  Left to her own devices she will lose control of her bladder and bowels in short order and soil herself.  Yummy.

In fact that very thing happened a couple nights back when I was getting home from work even *later*.  It was like 1 AM when I got home last Thursday to find Tina had disasterized her cage during a storm that had passed through after Pat and Neya went to bed.  She was such a mess that I had to take her into the downstairs bathroom and give her a thorough bath.  Then while she dried off I emptied and washed the food dishes that she had urinated on, refilled them, and then removed the tray (plastic floor to catch accidents) from her cage and took it outside to hose it off.  What would you think if you saw some guy hosing off a plastic tray by the side of his house by flashlight in the middle of the night?

On that particular evening it was 2:30 AM by the time this was all taken care of and when I crashed I slept without dreaming.

Not wanting a repeat of this, during all storms since we've tried to keep TIna and Cassie with us.  Hence the new beds upstairs.

So I arrived at home as I said around 9:30 and joined my wife, daughter, and feebleminded mutts for the last 5 minutes of Peter Pan.  By the time that ended a terrific thunderstorm had started up, complete with hail the size of tiny pebbles.  We turned off all the lights and the TV and raised the blinds, and then we all sat together on the bed to watch the lightening and listen to the rain and thunder.  Poor Tina shivered terribly, but she made it through the storm with our reassurance.  Lynnea was also nervous about the thunder and we comforted her too. Lately when Neya becomes unsettled by something I turn to talking about science.  She's interested in the world around her and wants to know how it works, so sometimes chatting in a clear and levelheaded manner about a scary thing scientifically will make her less bothered by it… part of my duty as a Dad to appear unfluttered.

By the end of the storm Lynnea was having fun with the experience and was pretty relaxed.  She remarked that she loved the sound of the rain and I commented that many people do, myself included.

Within ten minutes or so the storm had passed and it was bedtime.  I read chapter 2 of “The Three Investigators and the Mystery of the The Whispering Mummy” to 'Neya and kissed her goodnight.

It was a wonderful 15 minutes–but it was only 15 minutes.  I haven't had enough time lately to devote to my daughter because I've been working so many hours.  Nothing makes a Dad feel shittier than to look back over the last week and realize that he's spent far too little time with his kid.

Dream Within a Dream

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Last night after a fun evening of playing D&D with my good friends Sarah, Matt, Brian, Jay, Pat, Bob, and Patty I finally got home at about 1 AM.  After 20 minutes of playing HALO I realized I was completely zonked, and I crashed on the couch.   Then, I dreamt…

I was arriving at some kind of academy or school which vaguely resembled my college (UMass Dartmouth).  It was some sort of political convention center… there were political signs everywhere, and famous political figures, activists, and commentators doing book signings.  I have no idea why I was there, but I was supposed to be there for some reason.  Commentator, maybe?

Shortly after arriving I spotted George Bush standing next to a helicopter and talking to some of his supporters.  Not really wanting to hear what he had to say because I knew it would piss me off, I decided to avoid him and went off to some other part of the convention.  There were drunk football players and rowdy jocks everywhere, and people driving in weird cars that had six wheels and vaguely resembled enclosed golf carts.

After a day hobnobbing with various nameless politicians I went to my room and went to sleep.  Then I dreamt…

It's midmorning at the covention center and I am wandering along one of the corridors heading to the cafeteria.  George Bush comes out of a door on the left, spots me, smiles and wanders over, and begins walking beside me.

“Chuck!” he says, for some reason effecting a Sean Connery accent.  Our president is known to be a joker, so I played along.

“George!” I say back, effecting the same accent.

“Would you care to join me for lunch?” he asks.

 Oh gawd, I'm thinking, how annoying would THAT be? “Not particularly, sir.”, I say.

The president looks disappointed and we stop walking.  “Why not?”

“Because, having already spent four years in your company, I've had quite enough of you as it is.  I voted against you before and I'm going to vote against you again.”

George gives me a sort of sad look and takes on a condescending tone.  “It's true,” he says, “a lot of people voted against me in the last election, but after it was over, there were plenty of folks who wanted to join me for lunch.”

“Yeah well, a lot of them have lost their appetite.” I say, and walk away, leaving the President standing by himself.

At this point I awaken, chuckling at this funny little dream, and spend the second day at the academy recounting it to other people who all laugh about it.  Michael Moore and Al Gore think it is hilarious.  Dick Cheney doesn't get it.

Then in the evening I get run over in the parking lot by a drunk football player driving a six-wheeled enclosed golf-cart.  And that's when I woke up (again) to find myself snoozing on the couch with the fan blowing on me and the HALO music playing quietly from the TV.

This morning I recounted the nested dream(s) to my wife and went online to see if there was any literature about dreams within dreams.  I found one guy talkng about a similar experience… on a message board for adventure gamers.  Maybe it would be best not to play D&D in the evening.

I've had partially nested dreams before, where you are dreaming, and then you dream you wake up, and then are surprised when you wake up again.  But this was the first fully nested dream I ever experienced.  Weird.  Very weird… but apparently, not unusual.

Anybody else ever have a dream within a dream?  Anybody else ever dream about refusing a lunch date with the President?

Collecting

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Do you collect?  I do, but what I collect changes over time.  In my lifetime I have collected rocks, bottlecaps, matchbox cars, comic books, celebrity pictures, and Magic: The Gathering trading cards.  In addition, you could also call birdwatching a type of collecting (as one maintains a “life list” of bird sightings).  I was also into genealogy for awhile, which is the art of “collecting” information about one's ancestors.  Why do people collect things?

My collecting urges come and go, eventually I get tired of collecting something, box it up and put it away.  My comic book collection was decently sized (something like 1,200 comics if I remember correctly).  About 10 years ago I needed to get a new engine in my car and had to sell my comics to finance that deal.  Pat and I are often remorseful over that decision, and nowadays I refuse to buy and read comics because it reminds me of what I lost.

My most expensive and extensive collection would have to be the trading cards… something on the order of 33,000 cards, each carefully tabulated in a database and stored in a protective sleeve.  I lost interesting in Magic: The Gatherng (MTG) about 6 months ago and I haven't looked back yet .  Collecting MTG cards had become too expensive and not very fun.  The weirdest and most unusual aspect of that collection has to have been the Stone Rain Project, where I tried to obtain one of every printing of one particular card that had been reprinted–something on the order of 141 times in ten different languages.  I had to contact people all over the world to obtain them.  This was such an involved job, I decided to build a website to track my progress as well as attract the notice of people who could help me find the more obscure versions.  I got really close before I quit… only 13 cards away.

Collecting pictures of celebrities (digital only) has been fairly fun–at least it is free!  I'm only interested in female celebrities and the more obscure they are, the better.  My only criteria are that the pictures must be of decent quality, and that I have to have seen the celebrity depicted in some movie where I was impressed with their looks or acting ability or singing or whatever.  The pictures are organized with some VB software I wrote which builds an HTML-based browsing system.  I recently wrote new software which simplifies and speeds up the process of incorporating new images into the collection which at present contains 14,460 images of 625 different actresses, singers, models, athletes, what have you.

There are some interesting theories on why people collect things.  One is that collecting things gives us a sense of control, we create an orderly arrangement of something which serves as a counterweight to the chaos of life.  After a stressful day at work, coming home and puttering in your closet full of antique fishtank decorations may allow you to decompress and exert some control over your world.  Another theory is that human beings have an innate need to categorize and name things.  I can see some sense in that.

Here's a really great article on why people collect from, of all places, a company that builds storage units.  Not surprising I suppose, big collections need storage space.   One of the theories they put forth really resonates with me:

We collect for the thrill of the chase. Most people love a good challenge. And collecting gives them one because collecting is competing.You compete with other collectors, for instance, for the prime items.

The bigger battle, and the one that keeps so many collectors in the game, is competing with the winds of change to find things that can't be easily located anymore. The tenacious collector chases down leads on Web sites, at hobby shows, in want ads, and at flea markets and garage sales to find the perfect item to fill a hole in a collection.

To make that find is the trophy catch. It's the win, the prize, the big moment that gives collecting its adrenalin-producing rush.

I have to agree.  I think that's the major thing that drives me to collect.  It's like detective work, tracking down that really rare and special item.  Actually *having* the item is nice, but not nearly as nice as pursuing it and finally finding it.

For example, when I was much younger I watched a cheesy comedy called “My Science Project“.  The love interest was played by a cute and unknown actress named Danielle Von Zerneck.  Miss Von Zerneck was my first “celebrity crush”, and because she was and is such an unknown, tracking down new pictures of her is hard work and finding them is especially pleasing.

Whether I'm spotting that rare bird I've been hunting for, or laying hands on that limited edition MTG card I've been tracking down, the thrill and satisfaction is similar.  I think that is one of the reasons why I quit and move on to a new collection over time.  When it becomes so hard to find “the next thing” that the adrenaline rush of discovery comes very rarely, I lose interest and start something new.

So, do you collect anything?  If so, what?  Why do you do it?

Other articles on collecting:

BTW: A semi-recent movie in which Ms. Von Zerneck has appeared is Living in Oblivion, with Steve Buscemi and Catherine Keener.  I highly recommend this film as it is funny, inventive, and entertaining.  You can get it at Amazon.com.