Yearly Archives: 2005

Of 2005

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Here's a few notable items about 2005…

According to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, the word most often looked up this year is integrity.  I attribute this to politically driven flame wars.

According to Billboard Magazine the Artist of the Year is 50 Cent, while the New Artist of the Year is Gwen Stefani.  The “Hot 100″ Song of the Year is “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey.

According to Amazon.com the topselling DVD of the year is Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith.  Coming in second was The Incredibles.  Batman Begins took third place, with the complete first season of Lost coming in fourth.

According to BoxOfficeMojo.com the highest grossing movie of the year was Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith at 380 million dollars.  Coming in second was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with 269 million.  War of the Worlds took third place with 234 million, and Wedding Crashers comes in fourth at 209 million.

TIME Magazine's 2005 persons of the year are Bono (the lead singer of the Irish rock band U2), and Melinda and Bill Gates.

ABC News reports that the top news story of the year was Hurricane Katrina.

Google News reports that the top most searched item of the year is “Janet Jackson”.  The number two item was “Hurricane Katrina”, “tsunami” came in third, and “xbox 360″ took fourth.

Automobile Magazine says that the Chrysler 300C is the automobile of the year for 2005–go Chrysler!

According to Crufts, the Best in Show canine for 2005 was a Norfolk Terrier, with an English Setter being the runner-up.

Playboy's 2005 Playmate of the Year is Tiffany Fallon (NSFW, duh!)

People Magazine reports that the Sexiest Man Alive in 2005 is Matthew McConaughey.

The journal Science has picked Evolution in Action as the 2005 Breakthrough of the Year.

Finally, here are the top 10 most popular Unbecoming Levity articles for 2005:

  1. Numa Numa — Gary Brolsma (22,450 hits)
  2. Overhaulin' (11,334 hits)
  3. DodgeBall — Review (7,319 hits)
  4. Shepherd Moons — Pandora, Prometheus, Cordelia, Ophelia, Galatea, and of course, Enya (5,336 hits)
  5. Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, BANANAPHONE! (1,876 hits)
  6. U.S. Military Offers Free Breast Augmentation to Soldiers… (1,827 hits)
  7. Word of the Day — Pantsed (1,742 hits)
  8. Caught Up… Auto Biography (1,694 hits)
  9. Cheese Is Funny (1,499 hits)
  10. Moron Goes After Sims 2 for Indecency (1,420 hits)

Worth note is that #11 was also an article about Sims 2.  Highly contributory to the hits of the 2nd and 3rd place articles are assholes who have hotlinked pictures from the articles and are stealing my bandwidth.  Speaking of bandwidth, ULev got 449,927 hits in 2005 for a total bandwidth of about 24 Gb.

Hope y'all have a Happy New Year! Peace…

I'd Rather Pass Gas

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Stop me if you've heard this before “… and pass along this inspirational tale to everyone you know because God loves us all.”  As the title says, I'd rather pass gas than pass along unoriginal tripe to my loved ones.  I'm referring of course, to glurge…

From the Wikipedia:

…The word [glurge] is used mostly in a derogatory sense to describe a certain kind of feel-good story. The defining characteristic of glurge is that, while its purpose is to make the reader happy, the feel-good aspect is so overdone that it is more likely to nauseate rather than to inspire. Glurge often has a religious theme and is most commonly circulated via e-mail in the form of a chain letter…

Believe it or not there is actually a website (glurge.com) which collects these dippy parables and makes them available through a searchable database.  The fine folks at Snopes also maintain a list of glurges and make some attempts to actually verify the stories.  Not surprisingly, many of them are fictional.

Everyone who knows me even remotely well knows that I positively loathe getting recycled forwarded crap mail in my inbox.  I hate being excited to see that I got a message from someone I care about, and then cracking it open only to find that they didn't write me anything at all, but instead just forwarded on either some bad joke that might have been funny in 1983 or worse yet, some vapid preachy hokum.

In fact I really have to emphasize that last bit.  Please don't send me God stories.  If I told you I was a vegetarian you wouldn't give me a cheeseburger.  If I told you I was keeping kosher you wouldn't give me a ham sandwich.  So if I tell you I'm an atheist, why would you send me unctuous religious blather?  I don't send my religious friends e-mails about how there is no God, because I respect their right to believe in a god or gods if it makes them happy, and my religious friends reciprocate in kind by respecting my beliefs and allowing me to live as I choose.

Sorry if I sound huffy, but I've been needled recently for my beliefs, and tonight I got a godded glurge email from the needler.  As therapy, I've decided to respond to the “points” in this email, and waste your time in the process.  Be warned, if you choose to read on, this is first class glurge, so you may want to douse yourself in gasoline and have some matches handy just in case you get the urge to kill yourself.

I received this from a friend who had a choice to make. It said that I had a choice to make too. I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose.

    [Ordinarily I would choose to delete e-mail like this rather than read it, but since it came from a friend, I guess I should read it, even though I know it will make me sick.]

The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her 5 year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

    [Yes because when money's tight we always yell at our kids for using wrapping paper exactly as it was intended to be used. WTF?]

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and said, “This is for you, Momma.”

The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty.

She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner “Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?”

    [Right this is what parents do when they get substandard gifts from their kids. Hands up, everyone who has ever castigated their child for giving them an imaginary present. Come on, aren't we amazed our kids thought to do anything at all? Hello? Who wrote this story? Someone with a spike through their skull?]

She had tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Momma, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full.”

    [That acrid taste is called vomit. You just threw up in your mouth. But don't get the lavoris just yet, there's more shlock coming.]

The mother was crushed. [...by a twelve hundred pound sumo wrestler named Jin-Yong wearing a dirty diaper... sorry... just trying to turn down the suck] She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told [by spike-skulled morons] that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life. Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

    [ARRRGH! Someone make it stop!]

In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and GOD. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

    [Except maybe a really good spam-filter that could recognize dipshit stories like this and delete them for me. That or a nice e-mail from a friend... that was actually written by that friend. To me.]

You now have two choices: [Hari Kari or Killing Spree... Hari Kari or Killing Spree... hmmm.]
1. Pass this on to your friends [Thanks but I'd rather keep my friends] , or
2. Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart. [I'm sorry you seem to have confused my heart with my duodenum, and now if you'll excuse me for a moment...]

As you can see, I took choice No. 1. [Why oh why didn't you take the blue pill?] Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet, when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. [What the hell are you on? Wings having trouble remembering? This sounds like something from a random-blather engine... or a State of the Union address.] If you receive this more than once in return just know that your friends have also thought of you.

    [I daresay that I know my friends are thinking of me when they delete cornball pablum like this instead of forwarding it to me. Why didn't you?]

My typical response when I receive stuff like this is either to just delete it without reading it, or if I'm really peeved, I send back a quick and clean “Please do not send me stuff like this.  Thanks.”  But that doesn't always work and can sometimes insult the sender.

One idea that I got was to respond to every glurge you receive with five glurge e-mails.  You can get hundreds of glurges off glurge.com, just grab a bunch at random and fire them off to the sender.  Hopefully your friend will soon tire of the nonstop tide of shite and cease sending it to you.

Another possibility is to parody the glurge and send it back but that has two drawbacks. (1) It takes a lot of time and effort, and (2) your friend may think the parodies are so funny that they send you more glurges to see what you'll do with them.

Another possibility is to write anti-glurges and have them handy to send to people who send glurges to you.  Like this:

Ted was a fun-loving guy who had a lot of friends. Then one day Ted discovered an inspirational story sitting in his e-mail inbox. He loved it and forwarded it on to his friends. The next day it happened again and again he passed the mail on. From that point forward, every day Ted would forward on to all his friends the funny or inspirational stories that showed up in his inbox.

Then one year he sent out an e-mail to his friends announcing that he was throwing a big party at his house to celebrate his retirement. Weeks went by and nobody responded or even wished him a happy retirement, and nobody even showed up at the party. The catered food went to waste… where were all the people Ted thought were his friends? In a fit of despair Ted swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills and ended his own life.

When he arrived at the pearly gates Saint Peter took him aside and said “I'm sorry Ted, you know we don't let suicides into Heaven. There's no place for you here.” In a panic Ted said “But you don't understand, all my friends turned on me! After years of being a loyal helpful person to them, none of them even took notice of a major event in my life. They didn't even have the decency to wish me luck and say they couldn't come see me.”

“Ted, Ted, you don't understand,” Peter responded, “Your friends stopped reading your e-mails years ago. All you've ever sent them was impersonal messages that you didn't write yourself, or worse yet preachy condescending stories that insulted their intelligence. They all loved you so much they didn't have the heart to tell you. Many of them had their inboxes set up to automatically delete your messages simply because there was never anything worth reading in there.”

In that moment, Ted realized his mistake. His friends cared about him. They just didn't care about his e-mails, and that was nobody's fault but his own. As with the boy who had cried wolf too many times, people had stopped listening. Finally Ted understood, but it was too late… now he was going to Hell, where he would be forced to read inspirational stories for eternity.

So the next time you get an inspirational story or a funny joke in your inbox, keep in mind Ted's sad tale. Don't forward it on to anyone else. Instead, why don't you take ten minutes to write a personal message to a friend? Ask how they are doing? Catch up on what is going on in their lives, or just tell them how you are doing. Make your e-mails the sort that people will actually read. Don't make Ted's mistake!

Do not forward this message to anyone.

How do you deal with glurge?  How do you make it stop coming without hurting the feelings of the sender?  I'm open to suggestions!

My friend James has written a couple excellent articles about glurge email.  In fact I shamelessly stole the idea of mocking a glurge email from him, though he does a far better job of it than I.

Incidentally, the glurge I received today is indeed in the glurge.com database in at least two different forms, both of which are different than the form it reached me in.  Evolution in action!

The Panda's Thumb

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I'd like to call your attention to the wonderful blog “The Panda's Thumb“.  This blog is devoted to evolution science and has exrutiatingly thorough analyses on criticisms against the Jones decsion in Dover, PA.  If you really want to stay on top of the challenges to evolutionary theory by the religious wacknuts, The Panda's Thumb is a great place to go.  Enjoy!

Bullet Movie Review #2

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I've watched a lot of movies recently, and it would take forever to write reviews of all of them, so here is my second semi-annual Bullet Movie Review!

Needless to say these opinions are mine and mine alone, and some of them may offend you.  If you are offended by any of my reviews here, please keep in mind, it's only a movie.

Rating Title Bullet Review
Beach, The
2000: (Drama/Thriller)		 This film is a bit old now, circa 2000, but I was lucky enough to snap up a copy of it recently. The storyline is mildly interesting if a bit implausible, but enjoyable enough. I guess you would call this a not-so-thrilling “thriller”. You probably would enjoy it if you are a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio. I of course, love this film, for one reason, and one reason only–Tilda Swinton. I pretty much like anything she is in.

The film tells the story of a commune of beach lovers led by Tilda Swinton, who have a secret island spot all to themselves that the outside world doesn't know about. These free spirits coexist in an uneasy peace with drug dealers who use another part of the island as a hideout and drug farm. Enter DiCaprio, wooed into the group by Swinton, but who breaks the cardinal rule–he doesn't keep the location secret. Soon DiCaprio finds himself expelled from the group and slowly going mad in the jungle. The tension builds and culminates in a showdown between the drug dealers and the naturists, with DiCaprio's life hanging in the balance as he becomes aware just how far Swinton's character is prepared to go to keep her little paradise.
 
Constantine
2005: (Action/Horror/Fantasy)		 I liked Constantine more than I thought I would. Keanu Reeves is as talented as ever, which is to say, not very, but I enjoyed this film nonetheless. Rachel Weisz is stunningly beautiful, but the actress that stole the picture for me was, of course, Tilda Swinton, playing a male character (the archangel Gabriel) for the second time in her career (the first time being in the film “Orlando” which I sadly still do not own a copy of.) The effects were great and the concept of Hell as an alternate dimension overlapping the real world was very well done. Definitely escapist nonsense, but fun.
 
Cry Wolf
2005: (Horror)		 *Yawn* do you remember April Fool's Day? That really implausible horror movie from 1986 where like 10 people are “murdered” before it all turns out to be an elaborate joke as a “twist ending” and nobody actually died? Cry Wolf is pretty much April Fool's Day again with a few more twists, so as to make it even more improbable. This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't figured this out about 15 minutes into the movie and was then just sitting around waiting for it to end. It was nice to see Lindy Booth again, she was every bit as cute as I recall her being in Wrong Turn (which was even worse than this film.) As bad movies go, this one isn't stupid enough to actually be enjoyable, but the younger crowd will probably like it.
 
Dark Water
2005: (Horror)		 This is just like The Ring 2, except it isn’t good at all. Don't waste your money. You'll know where this is going after 10 minutes, and spend the next 90 minutes waiting for it to get there.

I reviewed this film at length yesterday.
 
Exorcism of Emily Rose, The
2005: (Drama/Horror)		 Based on the story of the exorcism of Anneliese Michel, a young German woman who was diagnosed with epilepsy but who felt she was instead possessed (these events having transpired shortly after the original film The Exorcist was released.) The priests who performed the exorcism suggested fasting as a method of driving out the demons, and in so doing Anneliese starved herself to death. The priests and her family were found guilty of negligent homicide and sentenced to six months in prison.

The movie is completely true to the original account, except that in the movie Emily Rose is American, really possessed, and starves herself against the will of her pastor who repeatedly urges her to eat. The family is not charged, and the pastor is set free. Basically, the movie is a bullshit account which completely changes the story around so as to reinforce religious dogma. But what do you expect from a movie that bills itself as a horror film and turns out to be a courtroom drama? Yeah, you heard that right. I give this flick 2 stars, and I feel I'm being generous in so doing.
 
Fantastic Four
2005: (Action)		 Jessica Alba is hot. Is it over yet? Okay it wasn't THAT bad, but it was bad. Definitely did not live up to the hype, but it was decent enough to rate 2 stars.  Maybe others would think it better, but I typically don't like superhero movies, and this is no exception.
 
Hero
2002: (Action)		 Like Crouching Tiger, Hero is either “deeply philosophical” or “more mumbo jumbo”, take your pick. Nonetheless I got a real kick out of this film. Qin, a powerful warlord, is unifying China through conquest. His only real fears are three great warriors who seek to kill him. He is astounded to learn that all three of these formidable martial artists have been slain by an as yet unknown hero, and he summons the hero (Jet Li) to his palace to learn how this was accomplished. Before long, Qin realizes the Hero's story doesn't ring quite true.

As in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and House of Flying Daggers, be prepared for breathtaking cinematography and dizzying wire-work martial arts. My only complaint about this film? When you stamp your foot on the ground, the cup of tea next to your foot doesn't fly six feet straight up into the air. I don't care how fabulous a martial artist you are. But it's a minor point.
 
House of Flying Daggers
2004: (Action)		 Okay ever since Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, I have a weakness for crazy martial arts wire-work films. The cinematography in Flying Daggers is incredible, and the rich color-enhanced scenery is beautiful to behold. The story isn't as good as Crouching Tiger, but definitely enjoyable, and heck, any opportunity to see the exotic Ziyi Zhang kicking ass is fine by me.
 
House of Wax
2005: (Horror)		 Is there some rule these days that horror films have to be predictable? The special effects in this movie were interesting, and the gore was definitely top-notch (seeing Paris Hilton getting her head impaled on a pipe was a bonus), but if you were looking to actually be scared, put this back on the shelf and rent The Eye instead.
 
Land of the Dead
2005: (Horror/Action)		 I always give props to George A. Romero, father of zombie horror, but Land of the Dead was pretty flat. Humanity has established a walled-in community, and the zombies are beginning to “evolve” into rational (cannibalistic) beings. That about sums it up. Great gory effects, but otherwise? Completely uninteresting.

The remake of Dawn of the Dead was better, and the 1990 theatrical remake of Night of the Living Dead better still. If you love Zombie horror and you are a Romero fan you will probably enjoy this film, but not much. Better luck next time George.
 
March of the Penguins
2005: (Documentary)		 I generally don't go in for family films, and though I have to admit that the story of the Penguin mating ritual is intriguing, this film struck me as no more compelling than an episode of Nova. Yes the landscapes were breathtaking, and the narration by Morgan Freeman was spot on. But it is still basically a nature show. I found having something to read very helpful in getting through this film.

My daughter really liked the funny parts, penguins are, after all, amusing creatures, but she was very upset by the sad parts. If you have really young children, you might want to reconsider before allowing your kids to watch this film. It's G-rated, but I can't imagine a 4 or 5 year old dealing well with watching baby penguins die.
 
S1M0NE
2002: (Comedy/SciFi)		 This film came out in 2002, and I saw it many times on the shelves in the video stores. I like Al Pacino, but the premise (director uses a computer animated actress in his films, and the public can't tell the difference, director finds the ordeal of maintaining the existence of Simone more trouble than it is worth) didn't seem all that interesting to me. I mean come on, how many “big lie” movies are there out there, comedic films about someone maintaining a big lie and coming closer and closer to having the truth slip out? Yentl, White Chicks, Tootsie, etc. etc. etc.

Recently I gave in and watched S1M0NE. I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would, and I thought the acting was well done. Okay it wasn't GREAT, but it was an interesting film just the same. I recommend checking it out sometime if you get the chance.
 
Serenity
2005: (SciFi/Action)		 I was surprised by how much I liked this film, although ever since I, Robot I've really liked Alan Tudyk. The characters are unpolished, but that's part of the film's charm. Some of the dialog is cheesy and feels strained, but I enjoyed myself nonetheless. Definitely check this out.
 
Sin City
2005: (Action)		 Visually interesting and disturbing vignettes, but I didn't enjoy this film as much as most other people did. I'd say it's definitely a fun film to watch, once, but it's not the sort of thing you could buy your mother as a gift.
 
Snow White: A Tale of Terror
1997: (Fantasy/Horror)		 A dark retelling of the classic fairy tale starring Sigourney Weaver and Sam Neill. It's sort of a Poison Ivy meets Snow White film, and Sigourney plays the evil witch with her usual skill. I enjoyed this film, but it's definitely not something you are going to watch over and over again.
 
Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story
2005: (Comedy)		 Okay, if you are a fan of Family Guy, you will like this film. As movies go, it is more like an extended family guy episode rather than a feature film, and as episodes go, it's definitely not the best episode. But I liked it immensely, and got a real kick out of the homage to Ferris Bueller's Day Off at the end of the film. The movie is worth watching for that scene alone IMHO.

After a near-death experience, Stewie is watching television, and sees a man in San Francisco who looks so much like him, he is convinced it is his “real father”. After all, how could he be the child of “the fat man”?
 
Team America: World Police
2004: (Comedy)		 From a technical perspective this movie is interesting, in that it is an enourmous puppet show, far more involved than any muppet movie, requiring hundreds upon hundreds of string puppets and similar numbers of puppeteers. I was very impressed with that aspect of the film.

The rest of the film I can sum up in one word: “shit”. Like South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, Team America is disgusting, over-the-top gross. In fact it is even grosser than the South Park movie, and for me anyway, definitely crosses the line where gross ceases to be funny. I wouldn't watch porn where two lovers crap and piss on each other, and I really don't want to see puppets doing it either… comedy or not.

Pretty much all of the jokes in Team America are dried up and dead long before the movie is finished with them, and I spent the majority of this movie alternating between being bored and being grossed out. Finally, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have never made a secret of their utter disdain for actors, and it became apparent fairly early in this film that it was being used to indulge their desire to denigrate various celebrities and fantasize about killing them. The creators seem to feel that celebrities have no place speaking out on “the issues” and in most cases they are probably right, but some of the celebrities they went after in this film were baffling to me. Perhaps the celebrity-parody who amused me most was Matt Damon, so pitifully retarded that the only thing he could say was his name.

Since Team America basically attacked everything, liberal or conservative, sitting through it is a bit like spending time with your annoying in-law who is loudmouthed, full of shit, and who complains about everything without ever offering a useful alternative. Would you enjoy hanging around with such a person? Me neither.
 
Wrong Turn
2003: (Horror)		 Okay I watched this horror film over a year ago now, and I thought I posted a review then, but I guess I didn't. Despite having Lindy Booth (cutie) and Eliza Dushku (hottie) in it, this film is ass.

Here's a tip for the would be director, try not to give away the entire premise of the film during the opening credits montage… because once I've seen the montage, I already know what the whole film is about, and then it's simply a matter of waiting around to see who is still living by the time you reach the end credits. The characters are flat and completely uninteresting, and in order to get scared, you have to care somewhat about the characters. Since you will learn from the opening credits that this movie is about cannibalistic deformed hillbillies, it will be immediately apparent that in standard dime-a-dozen horror flick style, all but one or two of these characters are going to die. Ho hum. Why care about any of them then? They're all equally dislikeable. *yawn*
 
The previous Bullet Movie Review was published on Unbecoming Levity on March 13, 2005.

Dark Water — Review

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Did you like A.I.?  Then you may like this.  If you were like the 99% of the public that thought A.I. was awful and depressing, I strongly suggest you avoid this film…

As horror goes, Dark Water is pretty blah.  As plotlines go, the “big mystery” is a big flop.  You'll know exactly where this film is going about 10 minutes in.  Which is one reason why the filmmaker should be slapped for wasting an hour and forty minutes of the viewer's life to tell a story that is obvious in 10 minutes.

The other reason why the filmmaker should be slapped (repeatedly) is for creating a so-called “challenging” ending.  Basically, “challenging” means the creator has decided to end the story in a very unsatisfactory fashion (and rather pointlessly in this case, as there was no need for the film to end as it did, beyond a desire to ”challenge” the audience.)  I hate to break it to the creator, but 90% of the viewing public doesn't watch movies to be “challenged”.  We watch to be entertained.

If you're going to create a so-called “challenging” movie, maybe you should have come up with something a little more original.  Dark Water was written by the author of The Ring, and I find myself wondering if the author (Hideo Nakata) is a one-trick pony.  Yet another drowned little girl, yet another single mother and child tormented by her spirit, blah, blah, blah, *yawn*.

This film is ass, and I strongly suggest you give it a miss.  Jennifer Connelly is a decent actress and she portrays her character well, but one decent portrayal does not a great film make.  Besides, if you've already seen Ring 2, I assure you, you've already seen this film.  It's basically the same story with a more irritating ending.

Nakata is also apparently remaking The Eye which to date is my favorite horror movie of all time–I seriously hope he doesn't ruin that film.  Dark Water doesn't have me holding out much hope.  Also on his list of future remakes is The Entity which was a pretty scary film in its day.

I will probably check out the new Eye when it is out, especially since it is theoretically starring Renee Zellweger.  But it better be good.  Until then I am dreaming of kicking in the teeth of the creator of Dark Water.  I want that hour and forty minutes of my life back, please.

The Fictitious War

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Okay I said I wouldn't get drawn into the War on Christmas nonsense, but I just couldn't resist this little contribution.  I went Christmas shopping yesterday in a mall in Massachusetts–you know, the land of the left-leaning liberal democrats?  Bluest of the blue states?

I heard Christmas music playing in every store.  And not just nondenominational music, religious carols.  I heard The First Noel, Oh Holy Night, Silent Night, Away in a Manger, and The Little Drummer Boy.  I completed about 10 transactions.  Only one person wished me “Happy Holidays”, the rest said “Merry Christmas”.

One lady who waited on me and was obviously a Wiccan was nice enough to wish me Merry Christmas just the same, although for her Yule was already over.

There were signs and other decorations acknowledging Christmas as Christmas everywhere, confirming for me what I have already known about the “War on Christmas”: IT ISN'T HAPPENING.

And for those of you who claim it is: YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.

What people have to keep in mind is that this is a big nation, and on any spectrum, there will always be a couple of outliers, and because of our sensationalist news media, the outliers get all the attention.  This is why when a six year old boy gets suspended from school for kissing a six year old girl on the playground, you hear about it, and if you're like me you probably shake your head in disgust because it is an example of ridiculous overreaction.

But many people go on to say “this is what's wrong with our country today” as if one overreaction is a sign of some sort of trend.  People latch on to stories like this, tell and retell them, and bemoan the state of this great nation, usually without bothering check all the facts.  Sometimes the complaint turns out to be baseless long after it has merged into our cultural consciousness.  I'll give you an example:  Why do the lids of carry-out coffee cups everywhere say “Caution: contents are hot” on them?

I'd bet that 90% of the people who read that would respond “Because some idiot bought a cup of coffee at a McDonald's drive-through, spilled it on themselves, and filed a (frivolous) lawsuit against the company.”  I've had people mention that story to me in one form or another for years now and it pisses me off every time.  Know the truth!

As an example pertinent to the War on Christmas, how about this shocking bit of news:

From the article School Okays 'Christmas Witch,' Menorahs; Rewrites 'Silent Night' (American Family Association):

The “war against Christmas” rages on. A Wisconsin elementary school has changed the song “Silent Night” to “Cold in the Night,” and secularized the lyrics.

Ridgeway Elementary School in Dodgeville may be taking a cue from the White House, which as been sending out greeting cards in the last few weeks, wishing recipients a happy “Holiday Season” rather than “Merry Christmas.” The school's “Winter Program” features a secularized version of the traditional Christmas carol “Silent Night” with the following lyrics:

Cold in the night, no one in sight;
Winter winds whirl and bite.
How I wish I were happy and warm,
Safe with my family out of the storm.

A concerned parent whose child attends Ridgeway Elementary contacted the Florida-based Liberty Counsel, which has contacted the school. The legal group's president and general counsel, Mat Staver, explains that as part of its program, the school has also included decorations from other holiday themes.

“At the same time the school has changed the religious songs to secular,” Staver says, “their so-called 'Winter Program' has included decorating classrooms with Santa Claus, Kwanzaa, menorahs, and even Labafana — a term I'd not even heard of until this year.” Labafana, he says, is “apparently a Christmas witch.”

The attorney says Ridgeway is now a target of Liberty Counsel's “Friend or Foe” campaign. “As a result of this absurdness, Liberty Counsel has issued a demand letter on behalf of a parent whose child attends this elementary school, and who will be participating in this program if the school does not back down.” That demand letter, he says, asks for an immediate change in the program — or Liberty Counsel will file suit.

The basic premise of the “Friend or Foe” campaign is to educate the public that it is legal to celebrate Christmas in schools, public buildings, and private businesses — including use of the word “Christmas,” singing of religious Christmas carols, and displaying of Nativity scenes. According to Staver, there indeed is a war on Christmas…

Sounds ridiculous doesn't it?  Why rewrite the lyrics of Silent Night?  Why not just make up a different carol with new music?  It's the war on God!  No religion in the public square!  The liberal atheists are trying to turn our kids into, uh … (yawn) … sorry.  The truth is, like so much else repeated by conservative wingnuts, is that the above story is 90% bullshit, even though the basic facts of the case are true.

First of all, let's get the dipshit stuff out of the way.  Is there anything wrong with adorning a classroom with decorations that recognize the various holiday celebrations practiced in our own country and around the world?  It is after all a place of learning… making it an ideal place to, oh I don't know, learn about other holidays this time of year?

Obviously, there's nothing wrong with that.  What about the “Christmas Witch”?  Turns out that is a common Christian belief in Italy (you know, Italy, where the Vatican is?)  What's her story?  According to legend, she met up with the three wise men who were on their way to see Jesus, and declined to join them.  Then later she changed her mind but could not find the place where Jesus was born.  So now she wanders the world looking for baby Jesus, and giving presents to all the good little boys and girls because you never know which one might be Jesus.  Oh yeah, and her name isn't “labafana” oh great researcher who wrote the AFA article, it's Befana or “La Befana”.  You can learn more about this wholesome Christmas character at Our Little Italy, and wikipedia has some info too.

Okay, so obviously there's nothing wrong with any of that.  And the AFA is afraid of new ideas, there's a big surprise.  That aside, what about the rewriting of the Christmas carols?  Check it out:

From the article War on Christmas Fraud Exposed: The Silent Night “Rewrite” That Wasn't (ThinkProgress.org):

…During a Dec. 10 appearance on Fox News, Mathew Staver of the Liberty Counsel said the presentation at Ridgewood Elementary had “no balance here. They have no Christian Christmas carols.” He even threatened to sue the school:

People are outraged. We sent a demand letter asking them to immediately change the song and allow the actual lyrics of “Silent Night,” and if they do not, if they insist on this ridiculous course of action, we'll file a federal lawsuit.

As it turns out, the entire story is a fraud.

Ridgewood Elementary didn't change the lyrics to “Silent Night.” What they did was perform a 1988 copyrighted play called “The Little Tree's Christmas Gift.”

That play actually contains numerous songs about Christmas, including the grand finale, an audience-led group singing of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas.” The play's creator, Dwight Elrich, happens to lead the New Covenant Singers of Bel Air Presbyterian Church in Los Angeles.

In fact, “The Little Tree's Christmas Gift” has been performed in several churches, including the Oakwood Forest Christian Church in Kingsport, Tennessee, the St. Anthony Parish School in Des Moines, Iowa, and St. Mark's Episcopal Church of Abeline, Texas.

So why are the Silent Night lyrics changed in “Little Tree's Christmas”? Because the play is about a small, lonely Christmas tree that is told it is “too scraggly, it will never sell.” That character sings the revised lyrics — “Cold in the night, No one in sight, Winter winds whirl and bite” — in a scene lamenting his sad state. The rewording has absolutely nothing to do with “secularizing” the song…

Here's a link describing The Little Tree's Christmas Gift for educators looking to put on Christmas productions.  The play contains some ballads and pieces that are set to the tunes of well known Christmas carols.

Once again the right-wing is too busy being outraged to let the fact that they are full of shit get in the way.  At least at the time of this writing, the AFA continues to offer the above article on it's website.  Why?  I'd wager that anything that flares up Christian fervor is considered to be a good thing by right wingers.  Whether or not it is factual is irrelevant.  Right wingers continue to perpetuate this fraud.

In the end, the school has caved from the national fervor and has agreed to have the students sing “Silent Night” to make everybody happy.  Staver, of the Liberty Counsel, finally clued in by somebody that he didn't know what he was talking about, desperately tried to indicate there was still an anti-Christian agenda at the school.

From the article School Won't Leave Out Christmas (CitizenLink at Family.org):

…”No person here changed the words to 'Silent Night,'” [Dodgeville County district administrator Diane Messer] said.

Mathew Staver, president and general counsel of Liberty Counsel, countered that while the school may not have expressly done a rewrite, it did select the program with the altered lyrics.

“We are pleased that the children at Ridgeway Elementary School will not be singing 'Cold in the Night,' ” he said. “Christmas is a state and federal holiday. We don't change the names of any other federal holiday, nor do we change the words to songs commemorating these holidays.”

So to everyone with a brain in their heads, the people who continue to blather on about the war on Christmas look increasingly like morons with each bit of twaddle they spew.

There is no war on Christmas.  Stop playing the victim.  America is 80% Christian and somehow Christians are the victims?  Spare me.  (Note: no disrespect intended toward any Christians, most of the Christians I know think the “War on Christmas” is poppycock.)  Peace.

I first became aware of this story on about.com's atheism/agnosticism blog article Secularized Lyrics for 'Silent Night'? No, Disinformation from the Christian Right.  You should check it out.  It's a good read, if a little depressing.  Hat tip to them for the story and much of the pertinent information.

PS: At my daughter's school here in left-leaning liberal godless Massachusetts, they've got Merry Christmas plastered all over the place with decorations that include Santa Claus, pointsettas, Christmas Trees, and a number of other traditional Christmas paraphernalia. Yes, clearly Christmas has been banned from the schools. Also clear is that if you want to listen to the right wing talking points, you really need to wear hip-waders.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, Sorry!

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So today I was at a jewelry store in the Mall at Whitney Fields picking up a gift for someone special, when I noticed a young man inspecting one of those pocket watches on a chain.  “Ben, look, ” he said, indicating the watches, “they're only a hundred bucks!”  “Yeah but those are for old people, ” said Ben.   I chuckled, because I know some young kids who would think them pretty cool.  Ben heard me chuckle, looked up at me, and said “Oh, sorry!”

As in “Oh sorry, I didn't know there were any old people around.”

As in “You are old.”

Thanks Ben.

I laughed again and said “Thanks a lot, that makes it so much better.”

Merry Christmas, Ben.  I hope Santa puts a hundred dollar pocket watch in your stocking.  I hear Santa's an old fart, you know.  He probably likes that sort of thing…

Things Not To Do Just Before Christmas

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  1. Lose your credit card.
  2. Get sick.
  3. Lose your credit card and get sick.

Yes I seem to be coming down with something.  And my wife misplaced her credit card so we had to cancel the cards and are waiting for the new cards to come.  As a result, we are trying to do the Christmas shopping on our debit cards which, we are discovering, have daily spending limits.  Yayyyyyyyyy!

Happy HumanLight everyone!

Crystal Reports Sucks Donkey Dork

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Gawd I hate Crystal Reports.  Today I got pulled out of my project to support someone who was running a Crystal Report that was taking well over an hour to complete…

When I ran the report myself I could see that it was definitely running appallingly slow, and though the record set was largish (order of about 10,000 rows) it was not overwhelming.

When such problems arise my first thought is typically “What did you expect?  You're using Crystal Reports.”  But since that isn't a very useful thought I put it aside and go looking at the SQL driving the report.  The SQL behind this report looked pretty good, and it was all implemented with stored procedures (we call them SP's) on a SQL Server database.  So I ran the SP's by hand in Query Analyzer, using the same parameters I had given Crystal, and they ran in 8 seconds.

8 seconds.

Now theoretically I'm calling the same SP's Crystal is calling, passing the same parameters that Crystal is passing, on the same database.  How do we get from 8 seconds to over an hour?

Eventually I fired up SQL Profiler which is a tool that will monitor a database and show you all the queries run against that database as they happen along with statistics.  I was startled to find that one of the problems was that Crystal was calling the SP's multiple times… MANY multiple times… like 18 times.

There were two SP's being called from the report header, this is the part of the report which appears at the very beginning, and appears only once.  One of these SP's was being called twice, and the other was called five times.  There was no reason for them to be called more than once each.

Then there was an SP being called from the page header on the report.  This information was being displayed once for each page.  The report had 83 pages, but the information in the page header would not change throughout the report so there was no reason for this procedure to be called more than once.  Although, Crystal being as flawed as it is, I wouldn't be surprised if it called that procedure 83 times… that at least, would have had an obvious (though stupid) explanation.  Nope.  This procedure was called 4 times.

Which then gets us to the body of the report.  This report contained data grouped by year, and one of the procedures was invoked once for each year.  These were the years I was running the report for: 2005.  For the math challenged, that's one year, and hence there was no reason to call this SP more than one time.  Instead it was called 3 times.

The other procedure appeared in the group footer and broke the data out by quarter.  These were the quarters in the report: Q4-2005.  One quarter of one year, and therefore no reason to invoke this procedure more than once.  Which is why Crystal ran it 4 times.

I painstakingly went over the report at length to verify that there was no way we were asking Crystal to run these SP's multiple times.  Nope.  Crystal was making that decision all on its own.

One might think this was bad enough, but even if each SP took 8 seconds to run, running 18 SP's still adds up to only a couple minutes.  WTF?  Not only was Crystal executing and pointlessly reexecuting the same procedures, it was also somehow slowing them down to a crawl.

I spent ALL DAY debugging this.  Eventually I discovered a workaround.  Crystal can run reports in two ways, it can run on-demand where you wait for the report to finish and then look at the results, or it can run scheduled where you specify at what intervals the report should run, and you can check back later and look at the report for each run.  I found that if I asked the Crystal Management Console to “run this report right now” it would take an hour to finish, but when I asked the Crystal Management Console to “schedule this report for later” when it ran, it would run in under a minute, even with the SP's being called a zillion times.  So I had a workaround for the customer: schedule your report for later, schedule it to run once, tell it to run zero seconds from now.

And I had a great big bug report for Crystal.  There is nothing quite so betarded as to offer two ways for running reports, one for people who are waiting around and want the results as quickly as possible, and one for others who will check in later, and then have the check-in-later folks get their results immediately and the I-need-it-now folks wait an hour.

Which is why Crystal Reports continues to suck donkey dork.  It wouldn't be so bad if this was an isolated incident, but I have dozens of stories like that one.  What a piece of crap Crystal is.