So last night I'm headed out to Papa Ginos to pick up dinner for my family. I decide to stop at a drive-up ATM to get cash. I choose the IC Federal Credit Union ATM on Electric Avenue in Fitchburg, MA. The screen says: “Please insert your card.” So I do. It blinks once and says: “Please insert your card.” Um…
Didn't I just do that?
Crap.
I glance around… there's no “give me my card back” button… no emergency release switch… no clear glass door with a red phone to call the 24 hour ATM emergency card retrieval service. There are a number of plastic notes and plaques on the ATM… but none of them, NOT ONE, says who to contact if you need help, or what to do if the ATM does not return your card. Because you know, ATM's always work perfectly, and nobody would ever want say… an 800 number to call to report a problem. You know as in 1-800-1WE-SUCK or 1-888-YER-CARD?
The only buttons I could think to push were the clear and cancel buttons on the keypad, and so I did, frantically. Push. Push. The ATM did not respond. I could hear it's feeble little brain saying “Silly human, you have not yet begun a transaction, there is nothing to clear or cancel. Please insert your card.” A helpful animated diagram showed a card sliding into a slot, just in case I was a complete moron.
Baffled, I decided to call Pat and see if she knew what to do.
“Where's the pizza?”
“Sorry hon, the ATM just ate my card and won't give it back. What should I do?”
“Buy the pizza with your credit card.” Practical as ever, my wife.
“Yeah but what about my debit card?”
“Well there's nothing you can do about it now Chuck, the bank's closed.”
She was right. I was going to have to wait until Tuesday at least before I could even TALK to someone about getting my card back.
By now a long line of cars had formed up behind me so I pulled forward and then walked down the length of them to warn each person that the ATM was eating cards today. Then I drove my car around the loop and circled in behind them all. They all swiftly drove through and I was parked at the machine again. By now, I was getting pretty mad.
I glanced in my wallet and idly considered sticking my credit card into the slot, to see if that would make the machine spit out my card. Yeah right, I thought, fat chance I'm putting anything else in that slot.
I was out of ideas and cars started to pile up behind me again. Once again I went down the lane and warned them all, and then I decided to just leave. What's the point? I figured. The card's gone.
The one nagging concern I had was that at some moment the machine would randomly spit my card out and give it to someone else. That would be bad. But I couldn't camp out in front of the machine until Tuesday. Besides, I thought, that would be a serious security breach. I'm sure they have safeguards to prevent that kind of thing. Doubtless my card is deep in the bowels of the machine and can only be retrieved by a technician who can open the front panel.
So, surly and disheartened, I pulled away. I circled the loop again, this time taking the exit and heading up to the road. I had just pulled out onto the road when suddenly I heard a car horn beeping rapidly behind me. Another car had pulled up to the ATM and was flashing it's lights. A woman leaned out the passenger window and shouted “Hey! Do you want your card?”
I immediately pulled into a driveway, backed out, and raced back to the ATM. Apparently the people in that car had tried inserting their card, only to find that it popped right back out with my card on its heels. So much for freaking security. I thanked them profusely and advised them that they might want to consider using another ATM.
So that's the last time I use that ATM. Thanks a pantload IC Federal Credit Union. You guys suck donkey balls.
Happy to finally have my card back I drove over to Fitchburg Savings Bank which was right in the same plaza to use their ATM. There was a momentary anxiety at the “please insert your card” stage, but I got past that and plonked my card into the slot.
Would you like a receipt?
<– Yes I would like a receipt.
<– No I would not like a receipt.
You know what? I hate ATM's in general. Who designs these crappy interfaces? Of COURSE I want a receipt. No I'd like to take some money out of my bank account with no record of it whatsoever. The only person who would not want a receipt would be someone using a stolen card, or a “gift” card from the ICU ATM.
Select language:
<– ENGLISH / INGLES
<– SPANISH / ESPANOL
I guess Spanish-speaking people say everything in Spanish except “Yes I would like a reciept.” I'll take English… estupido.
So now the ATM asks me what I actually want to do. FINALLY. Withdraw cash.
Please enter the amount you would like to withdraw in units of ten dollars.
I wonder how many people have actually tried to punch in $13.00 or $2.93? Whatever, I actually like the machines that dispense in units of $10. That way I can get $30 or $50. Today however I settled on $40.
We'd like to bum-rape you for a dollar, is that okay?
<– Yes, please bum-rape me. I love paying a buck for the privelege of pushing your freaking buttons.
<– Eff off and die. Gimme my card back
Well okay, that's not what it really said, but that's what I think to myself whenever this little gem comes up. And has anyone noticed that the little swipe kiosks in gas stations are the worst? I saw one the other day that wanted to charge me $1.95!!! It was bad enough that these machines would quietly extract a fee from your bank account… now they have to remind you that they're going to do it. Bastiges.
Sorry, temporarily unable to dispense cash.
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!
Hey bright boy, if you're temporarily unable to dispense cash, maybe you should be temporarily unable to ask me if I would like a receipt, if I want English or Spanish, if I would like to withdraw cash, how much I would like to withdraw, and would I like to be bum-raped? Apparently ATM interface design is an event in the special olympics.
So off I went to the pizza place. I used my debit card.
EDIT: The offending ATM formerly misreported as an ICU ATM is actually an IC Federal Credit Union ATM… give credit where credit is due, and all that. Thanks a bunch you jerks.
